Love in Shades of Blue

Over the past few years, I have really been learning about grace vs legalism. During this journey of learning, God is showing me so many distorted beliefs that were hindering my relationship with him.

As most of you know, I have C-PTSD and often battle depression and anxiety. I was told for years by many well-meaning Christians that my struggles weren’t very Christ-like. They told me I needed to believe more, pray more, read my bible more and I would be healed of this burden.

It’s only been in the past year or so that I have come to accept “the thorn in my flesh”, rather than relentlessly trying to cure it. (2 Cor 12:7-10) I was making myself even more miserable by trying so desperately to NOT be depressed. I would become almost frenzied at times trying to fix it. I hated that part of me because so many had essentially said that it was wrong to be depressed or have anxiety. In hating that part of me I was not only failing to love myself, I was also rejecting the calling that God has on my life. I assumed I could only lead others to healing if I was completely well myself. (Matt 22:36-40)

Most recently, when I was going through another bout and asking myself numerous times a day what's wrong with me? God spoke so quietly yet so clearly to me. "Why do you fight this?" My head snapped up. I was startled at this question. “Well”...I fumbled for a moment, over my words. “I need to be better, so I can do your work”. The response I received caused a huge weight to be lifted from me. "You need only be in my arms. Let me hold you through this. The rest will come."

In that moment I felt safe, cared for and loved. The need to hide until I am “good enough” fell away. I was missing out on so much by trying to be fixed. I was losing sight of the fixer!! I can sincerely say that, I KNOW that God loves me. All of me, the real me, and he doesn’t turn from my mess, he draws me in and embraces that too. The healing balm of Gilead….is love.

Do you ever feel that there are parts of you that need to be cleaned up or fixed, before you go to God? Are there struggles in your life that you feel you have to hide from others? Ask God his perspective on these things. 

I am a writer and an ordained minister. I grew in very toxic environments. After prolonged intensive abuse I now have C-PTSD. I have overcome so many obstacles and been able to heal and grow by facing my past and processing it in a healthy way. I am still a work in progress but I have come farther than I ever thought would be possible.

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