Forbidden Fruit

Forbidden fruit

Genesis 3:1-6

We have all experienced deception and yet it is so easy to judge Eve for yielding to the lies of the enemy. She had an intimate relationship with God with a bounty provided for her and yet the enemy convinced her that what she had was not enough. The serpent led her to believe that SHE was not enough and needed further knowledge and power to be whole. Does this sound familiar? 

God is a gentle God that moves in methodical, practical and deeply spiritual ways. This can often be unnerving and confusing to our finite minds. It can seem like God is not moving when we need him to because we cannot see behind the scenes. When we are hurting, scared and confused it can feel like God has forgotten us and moved on to bigger problems in the world. The enemy creeps in to whisper that we need to do something. We need to make things happen. 

I spent years looking for freedom from my pain in so many unhealthy forms. Toxic relationships, throwing myself into work (even good causes), eating my emotions, drinking myself into oblivion, and even cutting. I was craving the forbidden fruit that I thought would lead to freedom. I was seeking wholeness in everything but God. I became saved in 2006 after having a tangible experience of God’s love. I chased hard after him for 3 years, completely saturating myself in the word and in prayer. At one point I thought that my relationship with God was unshakeable. Just like Eve the enemy crept in.

I began to have vivid flashbacks of the abuse of my childhood and was told by the church that I had sin in my heart and God had turned from me. Once again, I was not enough. It took me falling away from the faith to realize that I had been trying to earn God’s love through being good enough. I was being a “good Christian” through my own efforts and by checking off a box each day of how much I prayed, how much I read and studied the word and what sins I had avoided. 

I had to become “naked” to discover that God’s presence was all that I needed and that he is in the garden with me, even if he feels like he has taken a break. The fruit that I craved was from the vine and yet I ate the poison. God did not shame me for choosing the latter. He welcomed me back in with loving arms and offered to clothe me in righteousness. I am worthy because God called me by name and I am his! (Isaiah 43:1) When I feel that something is lacking in my life and I try to fill it with outward, empty things, I need to be reminded that God is the only one who can make me whole. If I begin to feel a hunger even while seeking him, I need to assess whether I am pursuing from legalism or grace.

I am a writer and an ordained minister. I grew in very toxic environments. After prolonged intensive abuse I now have C-PTSD. I have overcome so many obstacles and been able to heal and grow by facing my past and processing it in a healthy way. I am still a work in progress but I have come farther than I ever thought would be possible.

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